Burnout in Motherhood
When you’re life is on autopilot and you’re running on fumes
(or cold coffee…)
When we use the term ‘burnout’, we are often referring to professional burnout - burnout because of your (probably paid) job. And it’s ridiculously common. Among medical professionals, for example, burnout can be as high as 52 percent! So, professional burnout is definitely a thing….but, it’s not the thing I want to talk about here. I want to share some thoughts around burnout in motherhood, fatherhood….in primary caregiver…hood. That is, parental burnout.
Parental burnout, and more specifically, burnout in motherhood (as this is what I can best speak to) is a tricky, complex topic - so much so that I feel the strong need to provide a disclaimer. So here it is…this is not an extensive, totally thorough, or academic piece of writing. This is a snapshot. A snapshot of the narratives of my clients and the work we do together, of some of the research and - literature that exists on the topic (and which I have read), and quite honestly, a snapshot of some of my own experiences as a mother. It is an acknowledgement that this motherhood thing is HARD and it takes everything you’ve got.
So, with my anxiety soothed via that disclaimer, let’s establish what I mean when I say ‘burnout’, and have a chat about what it looks like, if you’re experiencing it, and what you can do about it.
What is burnout in motherhood?
The term “burnout” was first coined in 1975, and was defined by three main components:
Emotional exhaustion – the fatigue that comes from caring too much, for too long;
Depersonalization – the depletion of empathy, caring and compassion; and
Decreased sense of accomplishment – an unconquerable sense of futility: feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.
I can’t help but point out, this definition was created for professional burnout…but BOY does it sound like a rough day of parenting, right?!
There are checklists and quizzes out there on the internet that will help you clarify if you might be experiencing burnout, and these can be handy. But I do tend to find that most mothers I speak with (be that clients or others) intuitively KNOW that they are burnt out. They know how it feels in their bodies and they know how it feels emotionally, they just don’t always know that’s what it is. In other words, they just don’t have the label of ‘burnout’ to pop on what they’re experiencing. They are more likely to say, “I’m just tired” or “It’s been stressful lately”, or to wonder if they’re experiencing depression or if “something is wrong” with them. And sadly, I have met many a mother who just assumes the way she feels is because just isn’t trying hard enough, doing a good enough job, or isn’t cut out for being a mother…that other mums just do it better and that’s why SHE is struggling. Um, no.
Please hear me when I say, that’s…not….it!
In the decades since its original formulation, research has found that is the first element of burnout, emotional exhaustion, that’s most strongly linked to negative impacts on our health, relationships, and work – especially for women. In their incredible book “Burnout: Solve Your Stress Cycle” (linked here, in My Favourite Resources) Emily and Amelia Nagoski share that emotional exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion. We get stuck because we’re constantly exposed to the situations that activate emotion, because we can’t find our way though that emotion and need someone else to help us find our way, and because sometimes we’re trapped in a place where we are not free to move through the emotion, where we are not “allowed” to inconvenience anyone with our emotions or our needs.
Are you a burnt out mum?
When I’m working with clients who are mothers, who may have sought support for issues directly related to motherhood, or for completely different reasons (but, once a parent you are never not a parent), I have seen a clear pattern. Mothers tell me things like,
“It never ends”
“I just can’t switch off”
“I don’t get a break”
“It’s just easier for me to do it (but I don’t want to)”
“I feel so guilty”
“If I don’t do ………(insert task/obligation) then ……. (insert negative outcome here)”
“I’m on autopilot” or “I just feel meh”
“It’s ground hog day” (for those of us that are old enough to get that reference)
I find that many (most?) mothers just don’t get to stop (and if you’re a solo mother…this is even more true). We are feeding, soothing, teaching, refereeing, motivating, planning, and organizing. We are trying to meet competing needs, dispel mum guilt, get things done, and keep ours, and our children’s worlds turning smoothly. Consider all the emotions experienced when doing these, the emotional energy expended, day after day. It’s exhausting, and the exhaustion doesn’t end.
Being a parent, especially a mother, can take absolutely everything you have, and then you must do it all again tomorrow (or that night, depending on your child/children’s ages, or how easily they sleep).
What you can do to come back from burn out, or better yet, prevent it?
Remember my disclaimer? This is not simple, and I can’t offer a “just do this (insert solution here)” answer, but I will share what I typically explore with my clients, what I am trying to do myself, and what the research and the emerging literature is telling us.
Pulling yourself out of burnout, and hopefully preventing yourself from getting there, is linked to a number of things…
The so-called “Biological Elements
Firstly, there are what we might call, the ‘biological’ elements. Two that most of us already know are looking after your physical and mental health as well as you can. As a foundation, it is hard to expect a body, mind, and nervous system to do well when it isn’t getting the rest or nutrition it needs. As a mother who herself, has spent many a day existing on very little sleep and seemingly ingesting only coffee (cold of course) and peanut butter on toast (I beg for no judgement), I realize that these things are easier said than done, especially if your children are still very small, but we can note it as an important component.
Then there is the component that many are likely less familiar with - completing the stress cycle. This is a big one, and a post within itself (that I will write, feel free to check back), but I will briefly explain.
When we encounter a stressor, our body responds with stress. It’s an evolutionarily adaptive response that has enabled the human species to survive. In it’s natural progression, we would encounter a stressor, experience a stress response, act on that response and achieve safety, and then engage in something that signals to your body that you are safe. Stress cycle complete - the hormones and neurochemicals that launched into action and flooded your body to help you survive, will shift into relaxation. But here’s the catch, this beautiful system was meant to help us deal with the threat of things like large predators (think lion) in a world where social appropriateness, chronic (everyday) exposure to the stressor, or safety didn’t overrule it. You didn’t need to consider if it was socially appropriate to run or fight the lion, it would be unlikely that you’d be encountering a lion every day, and you didn’t need to consider if dealing with the lion would result in result in the situation escalating, and the lion’s friends coming after you too. Our society has created so many ways to deny, ignore, or suppress our stress response. As a result, many of us are likely walking around with years of incomplete stress cycles simmering away in our bodies. So, we need to learn how stress is triggered in our bodies, how it is experienced in our bodies, and how to complete the cycle and bring our body back to a state of safety and relaxation (to be clear, I don’t mean lying by the pool with a cocktail relaxation, but physiological relaxation – though the pool would be nice). These are usually physical activity (it aligns super closely with what your body is probably telling you to do when stressed – run or fight), breathing (to downregulate the stress response), positive social interaction, laughter, affection, crying, and creative expression.
Support
Following the “biological” ways to combat or prevent burnout, are the ones that I consider to be under the heading of “support”. I don’t think I’d be exaggerating when I say they probably pop up in almost every session I have with mothers.
Here I mean having healthy boundaries in place with your children, partner, family, work etc. Doing what you can to build in and take advantage of whatever support you can get, be that support you pay for or not. And having a serious look at the mental load you are carrying. This is huge. The mental load is unlikely to ever be 50/50 with your partner (if you have one), and it’s usually unrealistic to expect it to be. However, we can explore whether your mental load is fair, and there’s likely changes we can make, big or small, to make the mental load fairer (but not equal) and therefore easier to carry.
Your Inner World – What goes on in your head?
How does your inner world look? This is another crucial aspect of burnout prevention and reduction. Most of us are pretty hard on ourselves, yet we know that self-compassion is a vital tool for wellbeing, especially in motherhood. Having realistic expectations of yourself, your children, and the season of motherhood you’re in is another important one and helps us to combat yet another burnout shark lurking in the depths, comparison. It should come as no surprise that burnout is not lessened by comparing yourself to someone else and deciding you’re coming up short.
Self-Care – I know you’ve heard it before, but please read this
Lastly, but not least, is self-care. Now, I don’t mean long baths, spa treatments and green smoothies (though these are all great and may actually be a form of self-care for you). I mean engaging in things that light you up and genuinely fill your cup. Self-care for me for example, can be as different as time to myself where no-one needs me, or engaging in a creative project. Reflecting on what actually makes you feel good (not necessarily rested or relaxed) and creates a sense of energy in you, goes a long way to help find ways to replace some of the energy that as a mother, you will spend each and every day.
Seeking Support and Reaching Out
Right, so, snapshot complete. I could have written so so much more here, so I will write further, related posts, but for now I would invite you to take a moment (if you have one) and consider what you’ve just read. Does any of it resonate for you? Did you have any “yep, that’s me” moments or feel like anything was a little too familiar? Maybe you’re even sitting there with more questions.
If you are, if anything here feels like something you’re experiencing and want support with, then please feel free to nip on over to the Contact page, reach out by calling me on 0434 885 759, or drop me an email at cara@caracrotherspsychology.com.au. I’d love to connect with you, and if you can’t tell, this is work that I am truly passionate about doing. I’m here to help. Cara.